Watching the brightest sun since October, I asked myself, if this would be the last time of this decade, could I witness something as beautiful.

So yea, today is 31/12/2019 – the last day of many thing. I noticed, that the older we get, the faster time goes – I’m getting aged quite fast and still am able to remember things from years ago just like a yesterday’s plan. Still, there are days that I couldn’t recall, and it’s the sign that I have failed myself, failed my once promise of making everyday an amazing day.

There are days I wasted laying back.

There are days I wasted spending on doing something that could be done much faster.

There are days I wasted spending on the wrong people, wrong parties, wrongly wrong.

But I don’t really regret that much. Because, if everyday is worth memorizing, you will then be hardly to remember how beautiful each one was. That is what makes this life  amazing: you can think of it however you want, and it will make sense, always.

So, in this boring, self-reflective article, I would like to point out for myself, what happened during the last 365 days.

Relationships

My extrovert side was busier than ever. I became almost too easy to get to know new people, regardless of their gender, age, and perspective. It is not exaggerated to claim my 2019 version to be the “Miss Universe” in my life – the moment I’ve got the most relationships. From study to play sport, music, games, do project, have lunch, even walk home, I was accompanied by my friends. Life has never been less lonely than in 2019. For my friends out there, thank you for being an amazing part that made my life.

However, this situation created a drawback, when I seemed to know many people, but not actually spend time with them. There are friends that I used the whole semester to say only “hi”, then regretting not knowing them deeper. Our time together is short, so spend it with quality.

Health

After 1.5 years in Finland, the only time I fell sick was a small flu in September, after an intensive/stressed schedule. But that’s all – Finland seems to have cure me from all diseases I used to have every month. Also, I have never felt stronger and healthier than in 2019, when I spent a good amount on sport, from running to swimming, badminton, gym, volleyball etc. I learnt how crucial it is, having an active lifestyle, as well as how chicken I am, comparing to the muscular, healthy friends who do exercise regularly.

There has been a drawback that I couldn’t reach my physique target after the summer. It occurred as I was neglecting a strict diet + working out schedule; I have lost my motivation to have a dream body. However, I’m having more crucial goals to pursue, and as long as I’m still living healthily, then it’s good.

Lifestyle

2019 has been the busiest year of my life: even the time when I was preparing for national exam in 2016 wasn’t I as busy. But it has been what I planned to be by the end of 2018, “be as busy as ever!”. From study to work to tutor, then to study + sport + friend + trips + n things. I used to be happy walking up early, have a small breakfast, make a long, daily to-do list, before heading to Uni and spend almost my time there, meeting friends, making progress and enriching myself. It keeps me motivated and high all the time – that very American-movie feeling when you are “hurry to meet someone for 15′ only, then you have to rush for an important meeting, before end up having a coffee exactly 10 minutes prior to gym time”. But it wasn’t just acting; I’ve never been as productive before, and it really cheered me up, every night before I tiredly threw myself on my bed, knowing I have used my time properly.

But anything which is too much is bad.

I was well-described as “work-aholic”. And when I have time to look back, this is what I saw:

It saw a messy me; always with tired face, unpolished appearance. I didn’t remember the last time I bought myself a new shirt, or anything to show that I love myself as much as other things.

I didn’t have time to witness how beautiful the Autumn is, as I was spending most of my time doing something else.

I saw my friends having troubles, and could do as much as nothing to help, or either knowing too late; I didn’t have time and mind for the friends around me. Everyday I regretted that.

“To live slower is to live deeper” – someone has said it, and someone has always forgotten it.

Beloved ones

For my beloved ones, it has been the toughest year ever, from business to health and other things. That is the worst thing for a person living far from their roots: they can only watch, and say something nice.

This fact took me back to the reality, of who I am, where I came from, and who really matters to me.

Soul

I heart became more opened than ever. I made friends, understood people’s background, how they made their decisions, and listened from a more objective perspective than being judging and ironic like before.

But Finland, or its darkness, or my own depression has made me more cold-hearted as ever. I show emotionless to most things, from touching to painful things around. I made comments, not encouragements; I see things with logic and critical thinking, not empathy and caring. I admitted that it kept me alive, safe, and conscious. But on the other hand it slowly sucked the humane aspect off me time to time. It has been going on all the time, but 2019 witnessed the worst.

In general

Most of the changes happened to me in 2019 was my inner self – from the good to the bad ones. Some shaped me the one I want to be, some pushed me away from it.

For the beginning of 2020, I will still be super busy with the tight schedule of Tet Together – my team’s festival day for the city, my heart and soul. Then will I have my first real holiday. Then comes what? Let’s see.

And some last words for 2019, and the 10s’ decade: Through all the lucks and shits, all the ups and downs, thank you for shaping me who I am today. This is just a second’s change: tomorrow I won’t be that different, but time will tell.

Khanh Tr.